Dear Kallie:
Today is your 18th birthday. Has it really been that long? Somedays it doesn't seem like that far away, and on other days, it was eternity ago.
Eighteen years ago this morning, my water broke. It was too early. Way too early. I was only five months pregnant. Your dad and I had just found out you were a girl less than a week earlier. I was so happy to be having a girl.
Then it all came crashing down.
We went to the doctor. The umblicial cord had prolapsed and was kinked off. We had an ultrasound. You were still alive. But your heart was slowing. I prayed I wouldn't see it stop as I watched the screen through my tears. Your dad hoped that it would. That you would go quickly.
I'll still never understand that.
The doctor sent us to the hospital. It was inevitable, irreversible, and devastating. I would be induced and you would be born. You would most likely leave this life before you even drew a breath of our earthly air. I remember being numb as we drove from the office to the hospital. This was a reality that I couldn't comprehend.
I didn't want to.
We called your grandparents and they made the short 45-minute drive to be with me and your dad. I am forever grateful they were there. Grandpa took your dad to dinner. To get him away from the situation. To help him take his mind off the pain we were about to go through. Grandma was a trooper and stayed with me as the labor pains intensified...and were made worse knowing that I was giving birth to a silent child.
I didn't have to push too long before you were born. You were so tiny. 9 inches. 12 ounces. But perfect little fingers. You were blue due to a lack of oxygen. My beautiful baby girl.
Gone back to Heavenly Father.
Do you remember the blessing your father and grandfather gave you after you were born? Were you there?
I think you were.
As the years have passed, I've felt you at various times. I miss you so. I know you are waiting for us. Cheering us on, so we can be a whole family again one day. Your little sister has filled in for you wonderfully and I know she wishes you were here, too.
It's kinda lonely being the only girl.
You do know she's connected to you in a very unique way, right? Her birthday is the opposite of yours. Yours is 11-04. Hers is 04-11.
But I digress. Happy birthday, sweet Kallie. You are our family's goal. While it's been forever since you've been gone, when we meet again, those long years will melt away and seem like a short moment.
Families are forever. You are ours forever.
All my love,
Mom
