My Nemesis: ED

I will always remember my feelings that day.

I was in nursing psych class, and I knew what the lecture topic was going to be from the syllabus.

I was dreading that day from the very beginning of the semester.

I was afraid.

But when I was confronted by the symptoms, I knew.

I KNEW.

That was me.

The realization hit me and it was a kick in the gut.

It was painful, and it made me angry.

I wanted to deny it, because I had denied it for more than a decade.

I didn't look like those people, so it couldn't be me.

But I could relate to the signs and I knew (as much as I wanted to ignore it) that I have a problem.

I have an eating disorder (ED), and it rules my life.

ED tells me I'm fat, that my stomach is poochie and flabby, that my thighs are too chunky.  It has made me avert my eyes from my reflection in store mirrors and windows because I don't want to see the ugly, fat truth that is me.  It tells me that I've eaten too much and screams at me so I don't want to eat the next meal in order to make up for what I just took in.  It gives me very strict rules about eating and tells me that drinking lots of water and chewing gum will help the hunger go away.  It does allow me to eat as much raw veggies as I want, which is nice....but veggies only take me so far before the hunger returns.  It reminds me that if I don't get in a run every day, that I am not entitled to eat very much that day.  It gives me a pass for Saturday's to be a free eating day, but only if I have done a long run that day or the day before.

It is relentless.

It is unmerciful.

It is unbearable at times.

I have had people tell me that they wish they had my willpower.

No one should ever have this.

This isn't willpower.

This is torture.

I have had people tell me that I need to eat a cheeseburger.  That I need to eat dessert....that it's ok.

I wish they understood the consequences if I actually did that, because it's really not ok.

The mental anguish that goes with eating is awful.

What is even more awful is trying to figure out how I can get rid of this.

It may seem like a simple solution....therapy, support groups....easy peasy.

The thing I can't see is how those things will truly help, because I am so very afraid that part of healing includes gaining weight.  I was overweight growing up and all through my 20s and I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT.

So I guess I'm sort of stuck for now.

I want to get better.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I'm just not sure how to do this, because I want it on my terms.

Perhaps that's part of the problem.

ED wants to dictate my path, and for true wellness to occur, it can't do that.

So until I find what is the best path for me, I will take baby steps and hopefully one day, I won't hate my body and will respect it for what it has done and continues to do.

One day.

Just not today.