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| Fall 2012 |
How I got this old is beyond me.
I don't FEEL 39.
I'm not sure if I look 39 or not, but in my 39 years on this earth, I'm still figuring some things out.
A big one is becoming comfortable in my own skin.
I have struggled my whole life with the way I look.
About 11 years ago, I was obese.
Not heavy. Not overweight. Obese.
A healthy BMI (body mass index) is 18.5 - 24.9.
11 years ago, I was at a BMI of 35.
Obesity is at a BMI of 30 or greater.
11 years ago, I saw a video of myself and knew I had to change. I wasn't yet 30, so I knew that time was still on my side. My youth could help me get fit. Type II diabetes runs in my family, and I did not want to end up a diabetic, not while I could do something to prevent it.
So I changed my eating habits. Started exercising. Was more careful of the food I put in my body. The weight started coming off. Within five months, I was down 60 pounds. A year after I started my journey, I had lost more than 80 pounds.
Somehow, it didn't make me happy with how I looked. I still had stocky legs, a paunch of a tummy, and cellulite and worse yet...stretch marks from LOSING weight.
I stopped weighing myself at that point. I had become completely obsessed with the number on the scale. If it was up, I became cranky and moody. If it was down, I was elated. I came to the conclusion that if my clothes still fit, I was just fine.
I haven't weighed myself since.
My legs are still short and stocky and with two episodes of blood clots in my left leg, they are definitely NOT short-skirt worthy.
But they are legs that I inherited from pioneer ancestors who were strong, who learned to stand on their own two feet, follow God, and make their own way in the world despite challenges and adversity.
My tummy is still paunchy, despite the sit-ups, crunches and yoga I do daily to tighten it up.
But my tummy is is reminder of the four children I have given birth to, three of which are here on earth and one is in heaven waiting for me to hug her.
My cellulite will always remain, no matter how much water I drink or what I eat.
But my cellulite will keep me modest in a swimsuit. No way am I going to flaunt that!
My stretchmarks have stuck around, even though I've slathered on moisturizers to minimize them, rubbed on cocoa butter to banish them. They're here to stay.
But my stretch marks are my badge of honor in the war I waged to become healthy. And I continue to fight everyday. (Except Saturdays. Those are my days to indulge.)
The weight demons that dogged me 11 years ago haven't left. I struggle with them daily. Sometimes, they keep me on the healthy path. Sometimes, they are so overwhelming that it's all I can do to tune them out. I suspect they will always be with me.
While I hate those demons, I know that they are keeping me in line, and they also turn me to my Heavenly Father when they are shouting at me and I feel like I'm going to buckle under their constant barrage of criticism. He knows me. He loves me. Stocky legs and all.
My dear sister, on this your 39th birthday, I need you to know how much I still look up to you. We all struggle with the demons of our appearance. I do every day. ( I am more daddy than mama) I am also struggling to accept what I am. My attempts to be fit and healthy are there too (however you are way more motivated than I) However, this year I learned a very important lesson. I have a young niece that lost her sweet hubby to cancer this past February. You need to know what he was before he got sick. The weekend before he was diagnosed last August he and his dad peddled there bikes 120 miles from Logan to Jackson Hole. He was so healthy!!! He was 24 Years old. This has been so tough on our family. Why has been asked. But I have learned that it is not about how healthy we are, how slim we are, what we have, even how succussful we are in the worlds eyes. When it is all said and done it is about those we love and how we loved them. When he passed this man of perfect health and looks was reduced to a small boney figure with no hair and hands that could barely hold his wife. But the love from our Father in that room was amazing. Nothing is more important than that.
ReplyDeleteI love you, even with you stocky legs. You are part if my family and included in the ones that I love!!!
Venessa....you are beautiful and it has nothing to do with your stocky legs, stretch marks or the size of your pants. You are beautiful because you live close to the spirit and have His countenance about you.
ReplyDeleteWhat Cheryl said. :) Happy 39th my friend. Anytime the criticism heaps up, remember that it is the advesary. Which means, those thoughts are simply not true. Your loving Heavenly Father doesn't work through demeaning thoughts. If we can remember that Satan lies, then we can turn his hurtful barbs into so much air. You're wonderful and beautiful! Oh, and by the way-I have long appreciated your example of modesty. It has helped me navigate my own struggles with body-image, etc... Thank you. :) We will miss you so much!
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